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What’s it like to be married to a law enforcement officer? How about being married to a celebrity? Funny thing, two of our Small Town Dick hosts are learning exactly what being “married to” means!

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Yeardley:  Hey, again, Small Town Fam. So, we’re givers, and you guys are great. So, today, we have another bonus episode for you. As some of you may know, I am married to the wonderful, Detective Dan. And one of the questions I get most interviews now, apart from what’s your favorite Simpsons episode is, “What’s it like to be married to a violent crime’s detective?” So, Dan and I decided to do a two-part Patreon about, what it’s like to be married to someone who comes from a totally different world than you do? So, me, an actress in Hollywood, and Dan, a detective from Small Town, USA. My chapter is up first. Here is Married to Law Enforcement.

Yeardley:  Hey, Small Town Super Fam. How are you guys doing? I hope you’re all well. It’s Yeardley. And I have with me, Detective Dan.

Dan:  Good afternoon.

Yeardley:  Good afternoon, Sir. So, last week, I introduced a little miniseries that I like to call the Yeardley and Dan files, where you get to find out all kinds of fun little nuggy nuggets about what it’s like to be Yeardley and Dan. And last week, Dan told y’all what it’s like to be married to Hollywood. That would be me. He is a very patient man. [giggles] This week, I’m going to tell you what it’s like to be married to a retired violent crime’s detective. It’s great, and it is a little different. So, here we go.

 I’ve been married three times. Dan is my third and my last. It is quite different. My first two husbands were in entertainment, which is a sticky, wicked on its own when one person in the marriage is more successful than the other, really, just to put it bluntly. I was certainly not looking to get married again at all. I had been divorced six years by the time I met Dan. He quietly but completely swept me off my feet when I met him.

Dan:  I don’t know what I did.

Yeardley:  You just had this quiet confidence about you. You were such a man without in any way being overbearing. You were not overly impressed by me, nor did you go out of your way to indicate you thought I was no big deal. And even though you were giving up one of your days off, I was a pain in your ass. You were so respectful, but really welcoming and warm and on the job. I just never experienced anything like that.

 So, we started dating long distance. We did that for two years. I found the separations really hard. You were much better at compartmentalizing, which is the mini topic I thought we would talk about today, which is part of your job being a detective was to not let the person you’re sitting across from and trying to get details from whether they’re a suspect or a witness. You’re trying to get somebody to tell you something they probably don’t want to tell you. So, you cannot let them see you judge them. It’s absolutely paramount. So, all of you. I’ve noticed it with Dave, I noticed it with Paul Holes, all of the guests that we’ve had on this podcast. You all have a poker face that is second to none. And I can tell you, first as a girlfriend and then as a spouse, I found it so unnerving.

 I respond a lot to facial expressions. I feel like I’m quite good at reading the room. And you’re so stoic. [laughs] I always say, I’ve gotten paid my entire 40 plus years in show business mostly to be funny. I think I’ve done pretty well by that. And Dan always says he thinks I’m funny and I say, well, you must be laughing inside.

Dan:  I have a big smile on my face right now.

Yeardley:  Oh. [laughs] I wouldn’t say a big smile. When Dan says, I do think you’re funny, is like a comedian saying to you in conversation, that was funny, but they don’t laugh. The other thing that’s really interesting and different is whenever we go out, if we’re in a restaurant, say, or at a gathering or someplace where there’s lots of people and a lot of activity, Dan’s head is on a swivel. So, do not engage in some deep, meaningful conversation, because you do not have his full attention. But that’s just part of, again, in law enforcement, you are always aware of your surroundings. You’re always watching your back.

Dan:  And part of that is I’ve got you sitting in front of me too. You got to take care of number one, but you’re my number one. My head is on a swivel because I couldn’t live with myself if something bad happened to you. I didn’t notice some signal, some red flag that I probably should have, it just becomes second nature. Like, that’s your autopilot is just doing that after you work in law enforcement for long enough.

 As far as my facial expressions, there’s an academy class that you go through, and I got an A in that one. I’m just kidding. [Yeardley laughs] There’s no class. It’s quite frequent that when you’re on patrol, you come into contact with people who are hysterical.

Yeardley:  Right.

Dan:  If you show something on your face that you’re dismissive, they get louder. It ramps it up, the person that you’re talking to. It makes your life easier as a cop to not show facial expressions when people are telling you really distressing things that are happening in their lives.

Yeardley:  But also if you’re, as I said, sitting across from a suspect and trying to get them to tell you what actually happened, if they sense the slightest bit of judgment, they could say, “Well, fuck you. You don’t get me, and I’m not going to tell you anything else.”

Dan:  That’s absolutely true, and that’s human behavior. Cops are good at it. We get a lot of practice at it.

Yeardley:  I would say in our marriage, because of our completely disparate professions, it’s really been an adjustment for both of us. Not a bad thing. Just a different thing.

Dan:  That’s one of the good things about us, is the differences.

Yeardley:  Yes. And I think there’s tremendous respect and empathy for the intensity of our chosen professions. I would never hold your feet to the fire for being so inscrutable. It’s just what you learn to do in order to not get killed when you left your house to do your 09:00 to 05:00 job.

Dan:  To me, it’s a de-escalation technique also. I worked with other officers who you could see mockery on their face sometimes when people were hysterical in front of them. What is the good in that? Because I know what’s coming after that. We’re probably going to be fighting with somebody.

Yeardley:  Oh, wow.

Dan:  In cops speak, they call it fuzzing someone up. And you don’t have to say anything to fuzz someone up. You can just make facial expressions at them. And I think it’s pretty despicable. I worked with people like that. There are people like that in law enforcement, and I don’t like it.

Yeardley:  Yeah. In contrast, when I would audition– When you used to audition in person, now everything is on tape and you just email the tape and you don’t ever meet anybody in person, which I think is really a shame. But back in the day, you used to go in and read for producers usually have to read multiple times for one part, unless you’re super A lister, which I was never that. So, your ability to engage the people in that room, these complete strangers, and literally make them want to hang out with you had everything to do with whether or not you were going to get that job.

 I would say I’m not actually an extrovert. I’m really more what they call an ambivert, where I can be extroverted, but I recharge like an introvert. Although the older I get I feel like I get more introverted, but my ability to engage in a room full of strangers, we call it the shiny grenade at paperclip, I can deploy that, but not endlessly. It definitely has a finite amount of energy expenditure. And then I have to go home, and knit, and sit with you and the cat and just watch some dateline or something. [giggles]

Dan:  Recharge.

Yeardley:  Recharge.

Dan:  You recharge that way. I recharge sometimes with being social with my tight group of friends. Usually, it’s playing golf with my boys. Again, I like all the differences between us too. It makes me love you even more.

Yeardley:  I agree, darling. Small Town Super Fam, we pulled the curtains back on a stadium stage to give you a view into the Danny-Yeardley files.

Dan:  I mentioned the Hollywood Bowl on a previous Patreon. There’s actually a YouTube video of Yeardley on stage at the Hollywood Bowl for this thing. And if you see it, you can see her in this red dress. And it’s amazing.

Yeardley:  [giggles] I wore a red dress, because Lisa Simpson always wears a red dress.

Dan:  I fell in love with you when I saw you on stage. I just didn’t know it yet.

Yeardley:  [laughs] That’s so great. Small Town Super Fam, thanks so much for being here. You guys are awesome. We’ll see you next time.


Yeardley:  Well, now that you’ve heard my perspective on things, I guess it’s only fair that we hear from Detective Dan on what it’s like to be married to Hollywood. Here is Married to Showbiz.


Yeardley:  Hey, Small Town Super Fam. It’s Yeardley. How are you, guys? I hope you’re all well and thriving. I am here with Detective Dan.

Dan:  Hello, there.

Yeardley:  Hello, you. And we have a little nugget for you today that I like to call the Yeardley and Dan files, because for anybody who’s just tuning in, we’re married. That happened.

Dan:  Married?

Yeardley:  We are married. [giggles] We’ve been together almost 10 years, but we got married in June 2022. So, we thought we would just, I don’t know, tell you what it’s like to a day in the life with Yeardley and Detective Dan. People ask me, for instance, when I do interviews for Small Town Dicks, we always talk about the Simpsons, and they’re fascinated that I could go from voicing an eight-year-old for 35 years to co-hosting a true crime podcast.

 For me, it doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch. I happen to love stories. I like the good guys to win. And when law enforcement is engaged in doing the job the right way, I feel like they’re the good guys, and I’m happy that they win. But they always want to know what’s it like also to be married to a detective, a former violent crimes detective. But I’m going to ask Dan first, what it’s like to be married to an actress. [laughs]

Dan:  Lot of drama.

Yeardley:  Ahh.

Dan:  Ahh

Yeardley:  Badoom, boom.

Dan:  Yeah. You’re the only person I’ve been ever married to.

Yeardley:  [laughs]I wish I could say the same.

Dan:  Being married to a celebrity is normal for me, [Yeardley laughs] because you’re the only one that I’ve ever married. It’s interesting. I think there was a huge adjustment, especially when we first started dating nine years ago.

Yeardley:  Nine and a half.

Dan:  Yeah. It’s been a minute. That was a big adjustment for me who was seeing you when you would get recognized and how we met was I was guarding you. You were an assignment for me. I called you the football, and I did not want to fumble the football.

Yeardley:  [laughs] I loved that I had a code name, the football.

Dan:  She’s still the football in my phone.

Yeardley:  You’re still Detective Dan in my phone.

Dan:  Yeah. So, going from assignment to trying to dial down the vigilance on my part was an adjustment, because I think the last thing you want is me being in condition orange [Yeardley laughs] all the time while I’m around you with my head on a swivel. But I still have those habits. We’ve talked about interactions with fans. And when you get recognized out in public, what that’s like for me, I think I’m doing an okay job. I’m very good at taking photos now.

Yeardley:  You are. You’re very gracious. And the thing about the photos is nobody wants an autograph anymore. Everybody wants a photo, unless they have brought Simpsons merchandise. And sometimes they literally show up with stacks of things that they would like me to sign. But it’s very rarely photos of me. Like, they haven’t downloaded a headshot of mine and asking me to sign that they want me to sign Simpsons merch.

Dan:  Yeah. So, before, anytime I went to the airport, I didn’t have to worry about being ambushed in baggage claim. That’s been an adjustment for me. For some reason, autograph seekers with a lot of Simpsons stuff [Yeardley laughs] ambush us at baggage claim. I’ve always been curious on how the word gets out. I don’t believe the excuse that I get from them. They say, “Oh, somebody tweeted that Yeardley Smith was on their plane. It was going to be arriving in Los Angeles at this time.” 

Yeardley:  [laughs] I don’t think that’s true.

Dan:  It’s bullshit. [Yeardley laughs] Somebody is giving away intel, and that bothers me a little bit. There is a security concern there. There aren’t metal detectors in baggage claim. People can park their car, walk in there. And if they know you’re there, they can ambush you there, and that bothers me.

Yeardley:  Yeah, it’s a little weird when people anticipate where you’re going to be when you haven’t broadcast it in any way. But even so, I have to say most of my fan interactions, 98% of them are really lovely. People just love them some Lisa Simpson. So, Detective Dan, husband of mine, let’s pivot and tell our fans what happened after our first meeting, when I was still the football and you were still just Detective Dan. Tell them what happened next.

Dan:  So, a few weeks after I met Yeardley, she invited me to Los Angeles for a three-day Simpsons event at the Hollywood Bowl. It was a live production. I’m not really into plays. I’ve been in a couple. Back in the day, like fifth grade, I was a dancer in a play called Christmas on Angel Street. [Yeardley laughs] I rocked it.

Yeardley:  This wasn’t really a play though. Just to enlighten the audience, they were originally just going to play clips from the Simpsons. And the Hollywood Bowl Orchestra, which is a fabulous 40-piece orchestra, was going to play the original music that had been scored for the show. And that was going to be it. And then James L. Brooks, our executive producer, said, “No, no, no, I want it to be a show. Like, a real show.” So, he said, “I want actors. I want guest stars. I want there to be singing and dancing.” So, there was all of that. So, I was there. Nancy Cartwright, who does the voice of Bart, among others, and Hank Azaria, who is a man of a million voices, was also there. And so, we were the three actors from the show.

 Then we had “Weird Al” Yankovic. Conan O’Brien came and performed the song from the episode he wrote called Marge and the Monorail, etc. So, it was a big to do. It was sold out for three nights in a row. 18,000 people each night. It was so much fun. And so, I said to Dan, “Hey, you want to come down? I know I just met you. I’ve literally spent about two hours with you, [giggles] but come on down and see me at the Hollywood Bowl.” [giggles] And he did.

Dan:  I did. At the urging of my brother, Dave.

Yeardley:  Because you were in then you were like, “No, I shouldn’t go.” Dave said, “You have to go.”

Dan:  Yeah. What a cool experience, because I had backstage passes. I was going to get to watch two of the three nights of the production. And it was great. I specifically remember the first moment that I was like, “Oh, you’re in trouble, Dan.” [Yeardley laughs] And Yeardley was on stage. She’s wearing this beautiful red dress, still my favorite. And she was performing on stage. I looked at her, I watched her and I was just in awe. I’d sworn to be a bachelor for the rest of my life, literally a month and a half before this. And here I am looking on stage saying, “Well, that vow that you made, that you’re going to be a bachelor, that is all over.”

Yeardley:  [laughs] Dan and Dave were both going to be bachelors when they retired, and fish and play golf and blah, blah, blah. And then I came up and threw a wrench into the whole plan.

Dan:  Yeah, we had a whole plan. Dave and I, we were going to buy some property out in the woods, get away from people, and he would have his wing and I would have mine, and we have a kitchen in the middle. [Yeardley laughs] I might only see him once a day at dinner. But that was the plan. And Yeardley ruined it. Thank God.

Yeardley:  [laughs] I’m so happy that you’re happy I ruined it. I’m happy I ruined it. And it should be said that I love Detective Dave with all my heart. He’s one of the best men I know, which is a thing when you date a twin, particularly an identical twin. I remember hearing when we got married from several of your family members, Dan, that they were so worried and ultimately relieved that I did not come between you and your brother.

Dan:  Yeah. That’s the fatal flaw that a lot of girlfriends have-

Yeardley:  Made.

Dan:  Yeah, they made that mistake. Not that I am perfect. I am far from it. And any relationship that I was in, it was probably more me than them [Yeardley laughs] that caused the ultimate separation. I take responsibility for that. But you got to find your right person. And I think I did.

Yeardley:  I think we did.

Dan:  Yeah.

Yeardley:  Well, Small Town Super Fam, there you go. A little peek behind the curtain into the beautiful Detective Dan’s heart.

Dan:  It’s a dark place.

Yeardley:  It is not a dark place.

Dan:  But Yeardley turned the light on.

Yeardley:  [laughs]Thank God. Small Town Super Fam, you guys are awesome. We will see you next time.


Yeardley:  Small Town Fam, thank you all for listening today. Honestly, it’s hard to find the words to adequately express how much we appreciate your loyalty, as well as all the correspondence you write to us, and basically, your overall awesomeness. Just know you’re amazing, and we appreciate it. Also, don’t go far, because next Friday, we have a major announcement about Season 14. I think you’re going to like it.


Yeardley:  Small Town Dicks on Patreon is produced by Gary Scott and me, Yeardley Smith. And co-produced by Detectives Dan and Dave. Our production manager is Logan Heftel. Our senior editor is Soren Begin. And our editor is Christina Bracamontes. Our associate producers are Erin Gaynor and The Real Nick Smitty. Our social media is run by the one and only, Monika Scott. Our music is composed by Logan Heftel. And finally, our books are cooked and cats wrangled by Ben Cornwell. The team is forever grateful for your support.

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